Why Bilingual Couples Switch Languages in a Fight

If you're in a bilingual couple, especially one where one partner speaks Farsi and the other doesn't, you may have seen this. The language switches mid-sentence. The apology comes in a different language than the accusation. The kids hear both and answer in whichever one takes less effort that morning.

It isn't random. Researchers who study multilingual people have looked at which language they reach for when emotions run high, and understanding why your partner shifts to Farsi at certain moments changes how you hear what they're saying.

The Language of Anger

Many people who grew up with one language and live in another switch back to the first one when they're angry. The linguist Jean-Marc Dewaele surveyed multilinguals about this and found that most prefer their first language, their L1, for expressing anger. It isn't a fixed rule: a language learned later can take over once someone has lived in it and speaks it well (Dewaele, "Expressing Anger in Multiple Languages", in Bilingual Minds, 2006).

Farsi also has its own words for the fight itself. دعوا (da'vâ) means a fight or a quarrel. When your partner says دلم شکست (delam shekast), "my heart broke", they are using one of the many Persian expressions built on دل (del), the emotional heart, which in everyday speech can break, tighten and burn. English says "you hurt my feelings." Persian puts the hurt in the heart itself.

The switch to Farsi during a fight isn't necessarily about excluding you. Often it's about reaching for the words that match the emotion.

The Language of Apology

ببخشید (bebakhshid) is the everyday Farsi word for "sorry" and "excuse me". It comes from بخشیدن (bakhshidan), a verb that means both "to give, to grant" and "to forgive". So a Persian apology literally asks the other person to grant you something.

Some couples settle into a pattern: fight in Farsi, cool down in silence, apologize in English. Or the reverse: argue in English, controlled and measured, then switch to Farsi when the real emotion surfaces.

The Language of Affection

Endearments often stay in Persian even when the conversation is in English. جونم (joonam), "my soul", and عزیزم (azizam), "my dear", don't have exact English equivalents, and they don't feel the same as "baby".

Your partner might say something in Farsi at a moment when English words aren't enough. That's not a barrier; it's an invitation. The Persian terms of endearment guide translates these, and knowing what your partner is saying in those moments is one of the best reasons to learn Farsi.

The Parenting Language Question

If you have kids, or plan to, the language question becomes a big conversation. Which language do you speak at home? Both? Do the kids answer in English when you speak to them in Farsi? Is that okay?

Grandparents often have opinions. بچه‌ها باید فارسی یاد بگیرن (bachehâ bâyad fârsi yâd begiran), "the kids have to learn Farsi", is a sentence you may hear more than once.

How you do it matters. The one-parent-one-language method works for some families; our guide to one-parent-one-language for Farsi looks at when it works. Persian school on weekends works for others. For homes where only one parent speaks Farsi, see teaching Farsi in mixed families, and the heritage Farsi learner guide covers the full range of options.

For the non-Iranian parent, learning some Farsi changes the picture. When both parents can at least understand Persian, the home stops being split into "one parent is excluded" and becomes "both parents take part, at different levels."

Why Learning Changes the Dynamic

When you don't understand your partner's Farsi, a whole part of their life is closed to you. Their phone calls to their mom. The family group chat. The conversation at the dinner table while you smile and nod. The jokes that make everyone laugh while you wait for a translation that never quite captures the original.

When you start understanding, even partially, that changes. You catch your name in a phone call and understand the sentence around it. You read a text from your mother-in-law and get the gist. You hear the joke and laugh half a second after everyone else, but you got it.

That's more than language learning. Your partner's family conversations are no longer a private channel, and the relationship becomes more equal.

The code-switching deep dive covers the linguistics: how heritage speakers blend Farsi and English, and why the patterns matter. The bilingual brain post looks at the research on the brain side, and Does Speaking Farsi Change How You Think? asks the bigger question. This post is about what it feels like to be in a bilingual relationship when you only speak one of the languages, and why changing that is worth the effort.

For the fighting vocabulary itself, what قهر (qahr), the silent treatment, means, how آشتی (âshti), making up, works, and the phrases that come up mid-argument, see the Fighting in Farsi guide. The cultural overview for dating an Iranian puts the whole bilingual dynamic in context.

I teach Persian on Preply. Our app, ZabanYar, is coming soon.

For the complete guide to Persian romance and relationship phrases, see our Love in Farsi hub.

Get it wrong and the worst that happens is a warm laugh and a story they’ll tell for years. Get it right — refuse the tea twice, accept on the third — and you’ll watch a face open up. You didn’t just speak Persian. You played the game.